When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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