and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I need a burrito and a hug.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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