my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
