I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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