allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
