My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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