Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
