I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
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