Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
