it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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