Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
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