I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
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