I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Randomize
