I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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