Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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