how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
