My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
wakey wakey hands off snakey
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
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