i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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