I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
