I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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