New invention idea: vibrating tampons
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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