i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
