She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
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