I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
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