I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
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