"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Randomize
