Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
of course. lets lasso hookers.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Randomize
