I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
