I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Your shirt... Was in my pants
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
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