I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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