you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
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