So many bounce houses so little time
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
