you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
