Who wears a wallet chain?!
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
