woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
