how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
