Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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