I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
