M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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