at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
