i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Randomize
