He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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