i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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