i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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