Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
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