I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I just forgot I was standing up.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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