Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
