my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
