I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Randomize
