i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
