So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
