It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
