There is no way he is gay with that hair.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
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