I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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