I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
