"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
